my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
