he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
