What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
