Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
