My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
