I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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