Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
