I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Congratulations! We have a period
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