I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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