My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
