i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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