The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
