Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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