and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
