I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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