I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
