She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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