So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
