I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
