I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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