I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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