Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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