SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
