honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
