I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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