Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
