her vagina looked like bernie madoff
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
