I wish my penis had an off switch
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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