I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
