I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
