Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
