I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
