She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So vagazzling was a success
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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