someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
