She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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