Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
