Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
