My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
