u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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