the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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