I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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