Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
