I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
