I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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