Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
