I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't turn off my feet"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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