I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
did i walk over a car last night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
