I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
