I want to stick my p in your. b.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize