There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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