By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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