Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
