I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
