I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
