drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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