He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
