I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
