So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
