the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
