there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize