I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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