I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize